Bean was a nickname given to me by a late friend. This post is written in loving memory of Qinghui.
It was 13 years ago, during the first few days of school when I got to know QH. I actually gave the nickname ‘Bean’ to another classmate, but somehow ended up getting the nickname myself. QH addressed me as Bean most of the time ever since. We were quite close during those secondary school years, had similar interests; basketball, manga, video games, dragon ball etc.
If you thought I was going to write more about a dear friend… no… that’ll be in a future entry.
The last time I met QH was at Tampines MRT. I figure I was in polytechnic; he was in his TPJC uniform with Elaine. The last time I heard of him was during NS. I was newly posted to a unit after BMT. I met Jackson, another close secondary school friend of ours in the camp’s canteen. He told me of QH’s passing. I had only known him for about 7 years, spent 4 years with him. Did I regret anything? Well I think I did the best as I could. I only regret that I wasn’t that close to God at that point in time, that I didn’t know yet what His purpose in my life was. Hence I did not yet have the burden to share about our Lord to QH.
Here’s where I finally get to the start of this entry. My current MSN nick partially reads: "Bean, I’m coming back to get you. I promise"; I’m going back to the past to find myself. Back to the time of childlike innocence. And for that the Looking-glass concept will be used as a device to get there. I sometimes like to use one of my favourite fairytales, Alice in Wonderland, as an allegorical reference while ruminating. There are a lot of lost selves that are in need of searching in this reflection. Some to stay, some to give the boot. But yet, all me. Contradictory, but true. I need to meet them one by one with the guidance of the Spirit.
What then will I say when I meet them? Will I have the courage and ability to rebuke the mad hatter, will he instead tell me "we’re all mad here" ; So I might as well join his tea party? No! No, I know I can’t join in that revelry. Was lost, but no longer am. I’m found. Will I join in their never-ending swim in the pool of tears? No! I need to get out of the cycle. Christ’s blood will save me. No never-ending swim, but an unending hymn I yearn to sing.
Wake me up! O’ Saviour.
Wake me up from this slumber.
No pack of cards,
Nor rustle of leaves,
Can rouse me,
except for your blood
O’ precious blood
t’was shed for me
How prized thou art
How great thou art
How amazing thy grace
How wretched I am.
What will I say. What should I say, Abba? Today mum wanted me to tell her something. But I refused to share beyond the surface. The matter wasn’t anything bad at all that caused me to be reluctant, yet I refused to tell her about it. Why is the truth, though nothing bad, so hard to share at times? Perhaps in some circumstances, courage is needed? hmm…
What will I say. Too many things I want to say, but not sure if I should. Is "’Mum’s the word", just like Thompson & Thomson’s mantra goes? Lead me, oh Lord! But 谈何容易！ There are so many things that I wish to comment ‘成何体统！’. But I don’t. I suck it up and deal with it myself. And then I try to imagine all the conspiracy theories in the world. Ha! Oh Lord, teach me to be content; to know that this is Your work, and not mine.
I know I’m not to focus on what I don’t have, but rather what I have; what Daddy has already blessed me with. And work on using those things wisely.
I need to start 闭关修炼-ing again. To listen to the Master’s voice and His teachings. All the Lost Beans in my life need to saved. I can’t assume that there’s always tomorrow; the Beans that need to be saved and nurtured may not live 7 or 5 years. The weeds must be removed from the root.
So here I go.